Saturday, May 19, 2012


I'd say it's probably been about 3 months since I've made a real, honest to God attempt at recovery from my ED and ED behaviours. It's been ups and downs, doing the things that scare you can be, well, terrifying. Letting go of old patterns of behaviour that were comfortable before, your go-to reactions when you're stressed. Restricting, then binging when you can't anymore, than the immense guilt that accompanies it. Day by day I feel like I'm figuring out what works for me now, and it's the best feeling.

A moment I can recall feeling like I was actually letting go of my fear of food was a couple months ago, eating a veggie burger at Fresh. This probably doesn't sounds like a huge deal, but for me being able to eat an entire burger and not beat myself up about it or dash to the nearest treadmill was a huge milestone. Another one I'm super excited about was yesterday I was shopping for shorts, and sizes used to be a big deal. The closer I was to 0 or 24 I was, the better. Didn't matter if they actually fit right, I just wanted to be there. Yesterday I just grabbed a bunch of random sizes, then bought whatever fit. Didn't really look at the labels, didn't care. At all!! If it fit it fit, and the number is just a number. Sizes of pants/shorts are so inconsistent, even within the same make. So my butt is no longer a 00. It doesn't really bother me, I've been working out hard and it's kind of getting bigger, but is more toned and muscular. I can do squats and lunges and run in ways I never could before. Now the number is just that, a number. I won't let it dictate my happiness or how I feel about myself. Sometimes I feel like pinching myself that I feel that way now, I never really thought I would get to this point! Recovery is grand. And my bum looks great.

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